New Year Drinkopoly

The date changed... WOOOOOOO! I'm gonna be a scrooge and let it be known that I don't really give much of a crap about New Year.

One of my new pet hates around this miraculous date change is the ever growing trend of what I like to call 'A year in the life of...' status updates. The 'I've had a shit year... here's a really depressing list' pity party and the 'I'm going to rub in your face all the great things that happened to me that have happened to most human beings since the dawn of man. Rub, rub, rub!' status's that add to the extreme bore-fest that is NYE.

Rant over...

So this year the hubby and I decided to blow it all off, submit to becoming the boring old married couple that we will inevitably become and... stay at home. We're so cool and rebellious its unreal.

The hubby made me schmancy steak with some schmancy wine, (curtesy of his schmancy clients at his schmancy new job. Thank you rich people!) and discovered that pear liqueur is far more hardcore than it sounds. We also discovered the wonders of Drinkopoly.

In the true style of a boring old married couple, at the ripe old age of 29, we played board games. But because we are so hardcore, at the youthful age of 29, we added sambucca to it...and rum...and beer... and schmancy wine. I'm sure that this idea is totally original and no bored student has ever considered playing Monopoly with booze but either way I have decided it makes it way more awesome. The hubby always wins at every game ever but at least this way he is forced to down entire bottles of beer and numerous shots while doing so (commencing evil laugh of joy).

Here are the rules we came up with:
- Drink every time you buy something
- Drink every time you land on someone else's property
- Drink every time you pass Go
- When you get a set down the rest of your drink
- and the best one ever as the hubby landed on it 4 times! Do a shot every time you land on Free Parking

I will now proceed to shuffle with lost, quite literally in my slippers, for the rest of the day. Happy New Year!... I have a date with a toilet.

All the Lovely Porcelain People

Right now I could be reading a classic novel, learning about physics, practising some of the crafts I've been prone to lately or, hell, even doing some work. Instead I’ve spent most of my waking hours of the last week watching Smallville. In the few months prior to this I watched all 6 seasons of Dawson’s Creek and yesterday attempted to subdue my insanity with a couple of episodes of The OC.

The Fella and I have been watching a copious amount of Smallville lately, trying to catch up on Season 10, and the more I watch the more I wonder what it is about these American Teen programs that hook me in to this box set or streaming mania? I can’t stand girls with far too much make up on, I abhor generic ‘alternative’ soft-rock and I have no time for rich people who complain. So what is it about these programs?

I can roughly trace my sickness back to about 4 years ago with one annoying squeaky 12 year old looking girl and a middle aged woman trying to act the same age, both of whom were talking way too fast for untrained ears to decipher. The Gilmore Girls obsession of 2007 commenced shortly after it started being aired daily on E4, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend. I think the speed of the talking must have confused and hypnotised me because before I knew it I was getting frustrated with a having to wait a whole 24 hours for the next episode and went ahead and purchased the last 2 seasons on DVD. 4 years later and all 7 seasons would be sat on my shelf if my now inflicted sister wasn't currently borrowing them.

Can someone please tell me why when I am part way through reading ‘Frankenstein’, so far an amazing novel, I leave it on my bedside table while I happily subject myself to E4’s daily helpings of American trite? (Not including Buffy of course!) I’m pained to admit that it took me nearly 5 months to get through 1984 yet it took me a matter of weeks to get through the first 5 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. I’m not a particularly slow reader and I much prefer the idea of losing myself in the imagination of the written word than staring at all the lovely porcelain people but somehow the discipline or 'effort' to actually sit down to read evades me.

Most tele-addicts like myself have rolled their eyes at Big Brother telling us how much television we should be watching. This has never really bothered me but when I’m resorting to watching programs that consistently induce me to make gagging noises followed by me searching franticly for the next episode, I think thats when I need to admit that I have a problem. I wonder if they have support groups for this?

Top 10 Moments That Make Buffy the Greatest Program Ever, Part 1...

Vices come in many forms and for me one of them is may tendency towards geeky cult obsessions. I plan to work my way through every single Doctor Who from Hartnell to Mccoy, I have read all the Harry Potter's at least 5 times each, but my first love will always that ass-kicking teeny weeny blonde Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

If you are a fan you will already know all the classic lines and scenes and the phrases that have become part of every fan’s natural dialogue. Its taken me ages to narrow them down and I’m sure I’ll change my mind about all of them once I’ve written this but for the time being here are a few of my personal favourite Buffy moments:

10. “You’re not special, you’re extraordinary.”...

Episode: Potential

Season: 7

I will admit that this is one of the many sappy moments in Buffy that brought a tear to my eye and there are a few more to come. After Dawn has realised that she is not a potential slayer and selflessly passed the power to Amanda. Xander sees this and tells her that “I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me” and he reminds her that what makes her special is that she doesn’t have a power and yet she keeps fighting.

In a desperate attempt to give Xander more of a reason to be working with the Scoobies and not just the Jimmy Olsen of the group, the w

riters on many occasions tried to plug him as the ‘Heart’ of the group. I was never fully sold on it until this point, even with the famous Yellow Crayon anecdote at the end of season 6 which by the way nearly made it into this list.

9. “I’ll call you.”..

Episode: Innocence

Season: 2

Joss Whedon describes himself as feeling ‘icky and kinda powerful’ at being able to write such a scene and I can certainly see why. I chose this one simply because of the fact that you could take the dialogue completely out of context and place it in any young person’s life and would most likely fit somewhere. This parallel of real teenage life is an example of exactly why the show was such a hit in the first place.

When Buffy and Angel bump ugly’s for the first time Angel experiences a moment of true happiness. As a result Angel, having not read the small print on the contract for Gypsy Curses, then loses his Soul. Not knowing this Buffy returns the next day and receives a pretty nasty cold shoulder from Angel

8. “Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him”...

Episode: Where The Wild Things Are

Season: 4

A Frat party goes horribly wrong when everyone at the party gets really horny and starts doing it, which is obviously paranormal and never ever happens at college parties. The gang decides that apparently what this orgy is missing is middle aged English librarian and they go and seek the help of Giles. They find him at The Espresso Pump crooning away to a room full of aging hippies.

Every girl and, lets face it, nearly every guy paused whatever they were doing when the stuffy librarian started crooning The Who’s classic ‘Behind Blue Eyes’. Still to this day I believe my face goes to something similar to Willows expression at that moment.

7. “We have one more award to give out”...

Episode: The Prom

Season: 3

The moment when we realised that Sunnydale High students weren’t quite as stupid as we thought. I suppose the writers could only use denial as an excuse for so long. I had to put this moment in here as its pretty much the only point in the whole series where Buffy is fully celebrated for the fact that “whenever there was a problem or something creepy happened, you seemed to show up and stop it.”

There are three elements that make this moment brilliant. The first is Buffy’s dress, the second is Danny Strong as Jonathon and the third is the beautiful score music by Christophe Beck. He has created many tear jerking pieces for Buffy, one of which will be mentioned later.

6. “Oh God, who died?”...

Episode: Doppelgangland

Season: 3

Not one of the most popular episodes and none of the fans ever really mention this scene but it still makes me giggle every time I see it. The gang think that Willow is dead after meeting her obviously spank-happy vampire doppelganger at The Bronze. You can imagine their reaction when she then bounces into the library all rosy cheeked, smiley and wearing a ridiculous jumper.

Its the comedy acting from all the scoobies that puts this moment in my top ten. Most of all Xander when his cross doesn’t work on non-vampire Willow he shakes it and tries again. Simple and silly.

Part 2 coming soon...

The Dreaded Q Word!

Most people like me fear the Q word. It terrifies you to your soul, giving you nightmares of mass murder in blind rages and reminders of irrational PMT anger. The very idea of the Q word makes most of us break out in a sweat and reach for the nearest lighter.

I am of course talking about smokers and the word... dare I type it... Quit!

But there comes a time for some of us where we start to realise that saying 'Well you know me, once I start something I never quit' is no longer mildly hilarious (which it once was I promise) but just a lame way of changing the subject and distracting the person while you reach into your pocket to dig out that last precious rizla.

It was because of this and the terrifying realisation that if I don't quit before I'm 30 my body is irreparably damaged for life, that last Wednesday I started attempting the dreaded Q word. This Wednesday I am still attempting the dreaded Q word. Yes, you'd be proud to know, non existent reader, that I am still plugging away after 1 week, only 5 cigarettes and 3 major panic attacks. Q word is just a tad stressful!

Luckily for me the Fella has been here most of the time for flat-hunting purposes which took my mind off of most of it. However, so far this is what I have learned about the Q word:

1. NiQuitine patches give you messed up crazy dreams if worn over night. Fun for the entertainment factor, bad for the sleep.
2. Any small, brightly packaged, high calory food quickly comes into the category of 'Well at least its healthier than lung cancer'.
   
3. The Q word apparently has a tendency to turn any mature, reasonably stable person into a spoilt 5 year old at any given moment. (This is where the Fella's inability to be phased by anything comes into handy).
4. There is no such thing as fresh air in London, smoker or not.

Now, I've been smoking since I was 14 so any adult problem that has come my way has always been semi-dealt with by the inhilation of poisonous fumes so I'm pretty sure there are more tears and tantrums to be had. I'll keep you posted.

"Danke Vel", "Alstublieft"

Before I go to any country I learn how to say "please" and "thank you" in that language out of pure, unwavering, British politeness (I think one of the best ones I've learnt has to be "Teşekkür ederim' which is “Thank you” in Turkish). Now because I knew the word for "please" in Dutch I found it slightly confusing when turning up in Amsterdam two weeks ago I said 'Danke vel' to someone at the airport and his response to this was to say 'Alstublieft', which means “please”. What was he pleading me for? Had I already given it to him and if so what the hell was it?

I wondered if perhaps it was sarcasm but then we all know that it is impossible for Europeans and sarcasm to ever co-exist without dire consequences. I was there visiting the Fella as he works in Amsterdam so I thought I’d ask him if he knew why they do that. He told me that it was just a tradition, just something they do, which I took to mean that he had absolutely no idea. If anyone can tell me a more satisfying answer than that then please do.

After that I stopped giving a shit and just went with it, but it has got me thinking about bizarre traditions and sayings that we have in this country that appear to have been pulled out of someone’s arse. As I work mostly in the theatre I’ve realised that a lot of them in this country tend to come from that area. This doesn’t surprise me in the slightest.

One example of this being “In the limelight”, which basically means being in the spotlight. Limelight was actually a method used in the theatre before electricity. By heating lime in an oxyhydrogen flame (usually reflected using a bucket) it would create a spotlight for the actor.

The other is “Break a Leg”. Most people think that you say, “break a leg” because it became bad luck (for some reason) to say “good luck”. It was actually because the lever for the curtain used to be called a “leg” so basically “break a leg” was a short way of saying “I hope your performance is so good that the audience keep cheering and so therefore they have to keep opening and closing the curtain so much for you to keep taking bows that the leg breaks.”

I can’t think of any others right now but writing this has made me come over all Lovey. I feel the need to go flap my arms around a bit and kiss everyone on the cheek.

Ta ta sweetie darlings! Until next time my dears.

Three Weeks Without

About 2 months ago I had one of those moments where you realise your own mortality, I really hate it when that happens. This tends to result in me attempting to give up beer, cigarettes and making sure I take out my earphones and look both ways before crossing the road. It usually only lasts a few days before the Drinking Buddy rings me for a ‘quiet pint’ which more often than not ends in us standing outside the minicab place at 5am singing songs from Phantom of the Opera.

Three weeks ago, however, was not so much a realisation of my own mortality, but a realisation of how I look in a bikini. Now I am, or at least I used to be, one of the depressing people who can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. There are pictures from when I was on holiday in August in which I look quite good, not page 3 model but good all the same. How is it so much can go wrong in 4 months?

Three weeks ago I saw a picture of me, same bikini but in December. By belly appeared to have grown about as far as my arse had dropped and I panicked. Big time. I rang the Fella in floods of incomprehensible tears and once he had deciphered what I was saying he attempted to convince me that I was absolutely gorgeous but we both concluded that being a little healthier couldn’t hurt. So I cut out all take away food and vowed never to get the bus to the tube station ever again.

To congratulate myself for my dedication to my own personal health (nearly) everyday for the past three weeks I am going to reward myself with, yes you guessed it, a McDonalds for lunch.

Introduction: Personal Vices and Rufus Wainwright.

Before anyone asks, yes the title is in reference to the Rufus Wainwright song Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk. I thought it would summarise my vices nicely, the only problem being that I don’t actually drink chocolate flavoured milk, hence the slight alteration. Perhaps I’ll get told off for plagiarism and make loads of money selling my sob story about evil soulless record companies to The Sun. We’ll see.

Of course I have more vices than just cigarettes and strawberry milk, I am human of course, and just strawberry milk on its own isn’t really one of them. Its strawberry milk plus medium fries, a BigMac or a McChicken sandwich and 6 chicken McNuggets.

Yes, the rubbery textured and bland tasting, sugar fuelled burger tempts me at least 2 or 3 times a week and even that unsatisfied, slightly sickly feeling that you get afterwards doesn’t deter me. However I have managed to resist the temptation for three weeks now and replaced it with doing the 45 minute walk to the tube station everyday and 20 minutes on my exercise bike.

Of course that doesn't solve the issues of beer, smoking and a tendancy to watch Hollyoaks.